I think that I was six years old when I realized that happiness just didn’t occur for everyone, when I was sat on the bedroom floor alongside my older brother, listening to the sounds of my father yelling at my mother. The walls quaking with the rumble of his deep voice insisting that it’s her fault, that it always is and always will be her fault. The sound of her begging for some type of mercy, for a compassion that merely did not exist, no room for anything else in his alcohol filled veins, veins that could not afford to run over, could not afford to tip over the sharp edges of his heart. Though there were also silent moments, the house would go so quiet that even the walls would stop their shaking, waiting for the next sound to knock them down like a chain of dominoes that maybe took a little too long to assemble, but create the perfect anticlimax.
I think these silent moments were the worst ones, where we listened with caution, having that light, but also very much heavy feeling in our gut. They were even more horrible than when we had to endure the lengths of her shouts of agony or his shouts of anger. We knew what was happening in that moment, well kind of. We knew that they weren’t good moments, not like the lovely sound of our mother’s voice in the dead of night, lulling us to sleep. We knew that much, and I suppose for kids it was almost too much knowledge, too real for a six year old mind to even try to begin to comprehend. The silence was worse because we didn’t know what was happening or what would happen next. It was like having to sit through a horror movie that consisted of loud suspenseful music and risky decisions, only to have all sounds stop and you’re left with the sound of your erratically beating heart. The only thing in the movie to break the silence is a very frightening, but much anticipated jump scare of some paranormal entity and even then it wasn’t something you were exactly pleased for knowing to being with.
We would always wait for the silence to be broken, and we didn’t always know what to expect. So, we held each other for whatever seemingly endless amount of time it took for us to have our lovely mother back in our arms, back in the safety of her two children. We couldn’t do anything then, but at least the safety we’d provide her with would be a true one, one that held so much honesty that her heart shattered at the thought of it. So, every night she’d rest with us, she’d rest just as a building in ruins would after a 7.4 earthquake. At least every morning she’d have us there to gather her broken pieces in an attempt to put them back together.
And even at six years old, I would always wonder if some day we’d stop being the construction workers of her soul, and instead the harborers of the life she never had.
Always stuck between dreaming and feeling the weight of reality on my being.
I don’t know if the realism and the dreaming ever intertwine, perhaps they don’t. Are they two sincere moments of existing that may merely compliment each other?
Perhaps these two words are not enough to explain the feeling of dysphoria that they present to me time and time again.
When I dream and I blink I think things are after me. Really.
I dream of a chase that I can never quite understand.
What am I chasing? Why?
These questions are always formulated in my head. Always lingering when I feel as though I may have caught that thing, that concept, that emotion… or whatever it is.
When I’m in the realm of realism, I feel the most alive that I can ever feel.
I feel the hurt of the world, the pain and the agony of those who suffer. I feel all of the things that I shall never wish for even the worst of enemies to experience.
I tend to always understand and conceptualize the world this way.
What a way to live, though if I weren’t to feel any of this, who am I to even exist?
It hurts him more to hear that I don’t believe in his God than it hurts for him to hear that I’m hurt.
Says I should believe because he doesn’t want me to go to the inferno.
What if I’m already there? What can I do?
Do I have more faith in a God that doesn’t believe in me or do I try to have more faith in my own conscious self?
Why doesn’t he hurt for me instead of hurting for my beliefs, or lack thereof?
I suppose that’s where the disbelief began.
I have a distaste for a lot. This may be a current event, maybe it’ll pass. Maybe I get it from my father and his father and so on.
I can’t feel, and when I do it just hurts. Everything I do, I hate. Everything I am, I hate. Or maybe it’s just distaste. My chest aches for the pain I remember and it doesn’t allow me to forget.
For the entirety of my life I’ve been holding on. All my life I’ve been feeling. So, why now do I choose to let go and remain numb?
Am I a terrible person for not caring? For hating? For throwing around the malice that I feel for myself at other people? At the people that I love?
So many questions and so little answers, answers that my mind and heart will never hold.
My life makes me nauseous. My life gives me migraines and heartbreak.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to experience any more for it is all bitter and terrible. I don’t like anything anymore and I can’t do anything about it.
Maybe I’m whining and complaining at nothing, but all I know is that, if they knew all of me, nobody I love will love me back.
I don’t want to live. My life should have been given to someone more deserving, like to Uncle Ben from Spiderman.
I feel like I should go, maybe I shouldn’t wait for my time, but instead create my own moment of disappearance.
Will my ending be abrupt?