I have a distaste for a lot. This may be a current event, maybe it’ll pass. Maybe I get it from my father and his father and so on.

I can’t feel, and when I do it just hurts. Everything I do, I hate. Everything I am, I hate. Or maybe it’s just distaste. My chest aches for the pain I remember and it doesn’t allow me to forget.

For the entirety of my life I’ve been holding on. All my life I’ve been feeling. So, why now do I choose to let go and remain numb?

Am I a terrible person for not caring? For hating? For throwing around the malice that I feel for myself at other people? At the people that I love?

So many questions and so little answers, answers that my mind and heart will never hold.

My life makes me nauseous. My life gives me migraines and heartbreak.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to experience any more for it is all bitter and terrible. I don’t like anything anymore and I can’t do anything about it.

Maybe I’m whining and complaining at nothing, but all I know is that, if they knew all of me, nobody I love will love me back.

I don’t want to live. My life should have been given to someone more deserving, like to Uncle Ben from Spiderman. 

I feel like I should go, maybe I shouldn’t wait for my time, but instead create my own moment of disappearance.

Will my ending be abrupt?

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